by D.W. Lundberg

Thursday, March 17, 2011


I was going to do a post on St. Patrick's Day movies, maybe even a little "Guess the Poster" action, when I realized that, apparently, St. Patrick's Day isn't the most cinematic of holidays. Oh, there's Darby O'Gill And The Little People, of course, but that seemed a little obvious. Instead, all I could really find were these:

Yes, Leprechaun. Six of them, as a matter of fact. No, you aren't reading that wrong.

If you've never seen any of these, well then, you've just gone and done yourself a favor. They're marketed as Horror films, but they're actually a little hard to take seriously. Warwick Davis stars, looking for all the world like Jack Nicholson's Joker in little green clothes, hunting after a series of victims insipid enough to steal the little dude's pot of gold. He snaps people's necks. He kills one person by hopping on him with a pogo stick. Runs over another guy with a go-cart. Bites a guy's ear and toe off, shoots him with a bow and arrow, then strangles him with a phone cord. Saws a guy in half. Inflates a lady with his mind until she explodes. Bursts out of some poor sap's genitals. Impales a guy on a bong and another on a flashlight. And again - you aren't reading any of that wrong.

I'm not kidding you. That's all six movies in a nutshell (one of them... In Space! And another one ... In The Hood!). It's not even worth doing a full Franchise Face-Off to explain it in any greater detail, they're so bad. And not even of the "So Bad They're Good" variety. They're just... bad. Mind- meltingly bad. Soul-crushingly bad.

Don't believe me? Okay, then. Here's the trailer for the first one:

And here's a sampling of dialogue from all six:

"I need me gold!"
- Leprechaun, 1993

"I want me coin!"
- Leprechaun 2, 1994

"I want me schilling!"
- Lephrechaun 3, 1995

"Me Gold?"
- Leprechaun 4: In Space, 1997

"Unhand me gold, you thieving hoods, you got more loot than Tiger Woods!"
- Leprechaun In The Hood, 2000

"What's up, ninjas?"
- Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood, 2003

I'd show you more, but I know you don't have the time for that. You've got a delicious corned beef dinner to eat with the family, no doubt. Just know that a few recognizable faces, such as Jennifer Aniston and Ice-T, show up in one movie or another, slumming it on their way to the top of the celebrity food chain.

What flabbergasts me is that these things actually exist at all. To the point that five sequels seemed like a genuine no-brainer to producers. Is this what our tax money pays for? Ah, well. At least it's nice to see ol' Willow Ufgood getting some work.

Grade for all: F


Need more Franchise Face-Offs? Check out previous entries here, here, and here.

No comments:

Post a Comment